I Am That Spiritual Journey

It's filled with all manner of "wild" looking flowers - every color of the rainbow. There are flowering bushes, flowering trees, mosses for ground cover, vines, and rugged stepping stones. There is a bird bath, a bird feeder, wind chimes...all the things I love. There's a tall Victorian lamp that lights my yard at night with amber bulbs. The lawn is carefully cut and tended by my son who likes to earn money for his hard work.

This past spring was the time we were planning to do the back yard - we wanted it to be superbly done, like the front. Last year we had already laid the cement curbing, planted the sod (which grew lush green last summer), and made up large dirt mounds to plant more beautiful flowers, bushes and trees. We even tilled a large area to grow vegetables, herbs and ever-bearing strawberries. We managed to plant the herbs, but that's all.

When spring time came, it appeared that life had put a different 'meal' on my plate than I expected. My marriage had ended. We had been separated for a long time, but now I faced a divorce. I was a little bit (okay...a lot) scared. I was a little bit apprehensive. Just like the plans for our beautiful back yard had been changed, so did the plans for my life.

We had bought my two youngest children a really nice playground and put it in the back yard, but I only took them to play on it a couple of times. I had so much on my mind...and it was so hot outside. I would always think, "Tomorrow I'll go play." But tomorrow never happened.

As I would look out my kitchen window each morning, I began to get disgusted by what I saw. My yard was being overcome by weeds. Every shape and kind of weed you can think of...I had it growing. So then I didn't even want to go out there to play with my girls. I decided I'd have my son go out and pull weeds or whack them down with the edger. But I never got around to asking him.

Each morning I'd stand at the window and gaze out at the "mess". It seemed so reflective of my life - what I deemed a big mess. My yard and my life..."what would the neighbors think? What would my family think? What would my children think?" I wallowed in the insecurities of outside appearances. I had pretended to be perfect for so many years. Just like my lovely front yard, I put on a "front" of perfection for others.

Then one day, as I gazed out at the back yard, I started to notice things in a different light. The ground was now covered in beautiful Morning Glory blossoms, instead of what should have been carefully planted mosses and vines. Other varieties of weeds and tall grasses bloomed lush light purples, yellows and pinks. Spider webs formed but they looked like a blanket of diamonds when the sun hit the morning dew just right. And then came the Sunflowers. Big, tall, thick-stalked sunflowers. Some grew so tall that they peeked over into the yard of my neighbors.

And then came the little creatures. Birds, birds and more birds. I was exposed to species of birds that I never saw before. I was delighted with some tiny little yellow birds that came daily - they were so delicate that you could blow them over with a single breath. I saw sparrows, seagulls, and other varieties. And then there were the hummingbirds ....my favorite.

I watched the birds every day and would smile as I saw them stand on the strong stalks of the sunflowers and pull out the seeds to feast upon. I watched them gather sticks and dead grass and build nests. I saw them pull up a king's feast of earthworms after a heavy rain. My back yard was a smorgasborg of culinary delights and home-building materials for my little winged friends.

I witnessed my back yard getting filled with dragonflies, bees, hornets, and beautiful butterflies. Suddenly I found myself loving to gaze out into the "weeds". Those weeds were no longer my enemy.

It's funny how life teaches us...sometimes (and most often) from experiences that we deem the most 'ugly'...like an ugly, weedy back yard. I have learned that it isn't what we look at, but how we look at it.

I learned that divorce is only ugly if we look at it that way. Just like I gained beautiful experiences from my weedy back yard, I gained a beautiful friend in my "ex" (seems so strange to say that!). He is a superb father, he is so giving and loving, and he is very good to me and and has become a dear friend. A friend for life. That is what's best for us.

And I don't even care what the neighbors think, or what the extended family thinks. I care about my heart. And I love my weeds. I can honestly say that I believe I had the most beautiful back yard in my neighborhood this summer. I witnessed the most beautiful things that life has to offer - all in my fenced back yard.

Next year there will most likely be a new effort put into the back yard. I'm sure the land will be tilled, "weed" killer will be sprayed, flowers and bushes and trees will be planted, and my 'secret garden' will be but a cherished memory. But it's something that nobody can take from me.

I think that before the snow falls, I will go stand in the middle of my weedy back yard. I'll stroke the dying stalks of sunflowers, blow them a kiss... bid them a thankful and tearful farewell. But it won't be a final goodbye. Even though the backyard might be planted differently in future seasons, just like life gives us new things to plant and cultivate, my "weeds" will still pop up and give me a quick and friendly hello. "Weeds" are good at that, you know!

JUST AS I AM.

I don't have to be "righteous"....it wouldn't matter if I was gay....it wouldn't matter what color I am....it wouldn't matter if I was pretty or ugly....it wouldn't matter if I was sloppy or neat....nothing matters except for that I just AM. I let go of a judgmental, control-freak, fear-inducing, guilt-producing, finger pointing, "mean father" God that had a list of endless rules that I could in no way keep up with, understand or obey. I embraced a higher power...a higher God - whatever that higher power is....that loves me so perfectly that it is beyond my mortal comprehension. When that happened, my friends, I woke up. That is what I called being "born again" so to speak. And when I felt that feeling, I realized that I matter very, very much. I find all of this so incredibly yummy! So....those who know me, know "I felt a poem coming on". The words flowed thusly: